me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
You Might Also Like
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
🙀🙀🙀😹
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
🙅🏻
