Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.