Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are