Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”