me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.