Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

found a horse’s reddit account

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu