Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Very good! 👍😂

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

c’mon!

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*