Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.