Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work