Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

Hang in there buddy

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.