Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

This guy gets it.

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.