Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie