Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

What a website

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.