Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”