me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
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(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.