me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
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Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”