Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.