Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

I was bored.