Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

when nothing goes right… go left

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.