@fishbowel

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

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@Tommytoughstuff

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

@SleazySli

[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit

@Sorrowscopes

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

@lawyerthoughts

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

@KentWGraham

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

@ewfeez

Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination

@abbycohenwl

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

@hippieswordfish

*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media

@crushingbort

#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot