“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
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[at a spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is SPELL.
Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media
#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot