Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.