@fishbowel

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

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@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why they pulled you over, smile, take their hand in yours and say, “Sounds like somebody needed a friend”

@thedad

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

@DrakeGatsby

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

@NYC_Blonde

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

@rdm_guy

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.