Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way