Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Duolingo getting serious.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

i did the math

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

his wife is probably gonna see that

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

Multitask? I can barely unitask

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around