Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.