Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
(more comics:
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.