Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Okay this one takes it home

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for