Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*