[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
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me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Smooooooth
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow