@BoogTweets

Me: What do you give the girl that has everything

My Mom: Penicillin

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@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

@Mom_Overboard

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

@ColoChiver

If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.

@crylenol

*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”

@NathanBgood

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

@SheBanggs

It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.

@CaucasianJames

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@julcasagrande

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting