me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
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me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.