Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

murder on the timeline

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.