Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
“what’s it like having a sister?”