ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
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Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
But wait…
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.