Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*