Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Not messing around
What’s a Messi?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Adultry does not sound fun at all