Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Aaaa…CHOO!

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.