Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

About to throw up

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

◾️

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.