Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: