Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.