Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Oh, I bet you would be

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

the world’s most popular steaming services

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.