Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.