Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

he was correct

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Velcrow

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!