Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Huge, if true.

The most accurate map ever devised.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.