Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

can’t bark with your mouth full

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

I put the hot in psychotic.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no