Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
can’t bark with your mouth full
![]()
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
![]()
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I put the hot in psychotic.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no