Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.