Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

I have never related to a cat more

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Today’s Times

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression