Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE