Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

A customer told me they were never coming back….

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help