Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Best mom ever 😂
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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