Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

The options really are this bad

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

That’s enough internet for the day

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.