Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

peep davidson

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

aesthetic

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves