Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
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The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Not all heroes wear capes….
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do