Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Lmaoo 😂

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before