Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

good work, detective

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!