Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job