Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home