Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

imagine getting destroyed like this

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Me trying to reach for my goals

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.