Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me