Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

Leftovers are for quitters!

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver