Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

*praying for world peace*
God:

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”