Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health