Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.