Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Your secret is safeish with me

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

You are what you delete.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen