My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.