Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Sending in my taxes

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial