Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

Orange is oranging 🟠

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.