Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Tapped in
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*