Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
the simulation is moving too fast
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now